I can't remember if I ever wanted to have kids. I probably did. I played with dolls and pretended to give birth as a kindergartener. Pretending to have a baby as a 6 year old involves putting a doll up your shirt and then letting it drop on the floor. I would've been a great addition to Toddler Mom. That's next, right? Like Teen Mom but even more horrifying and voyeuristic.
Now that I'm of childbearing age, I don't really think I want kids. Then again, I'm in no position to have children, anyway. I live with my parents, I'm hella single and I ain't got no moneyyy! HOLLA!! Wait... don't holla. Keep your hollas to yourselves. While living with my parents might be a plus for having a child out of wedlock (built in babysitters!) I don't think they'd appreciate it very much. They have more of a social life than I do, it'd just be a burden keeping them from partying it up with all their friends who are way cooler than me.
Kids are a big time suck anyway, right? I mean, I spend a LOT of time sleeping. Like... a lot. Like... almost too much. I blame it on working nights but in reality, I just really love sleeping. It's the best. Babies don't allow you to sleep. Ever. Even when you're pregnant and you think you have 9 months of buffer time to get your shit together, that kid is plotting how they're going to ruin your life. At least I'm pretty sure that's what they're doing. What else is there to do when you're floating around in womb goo, growing eyeballs and fingernails?
Don't get me wrong, babies are cute. Correction, *some* babies are cute. Some babies are just... ugh. My grandpa used to say, "That's... a baby!" when he saw an ugly kid and didn't know how else to react. Classic.
Most babies are cute and easy to deal with. But then they get older and weirder. It's not really fair. Babies can suck on their feet and poop themselves but when a teenager does it it's "gross" and "grounds for psychiatric assistance." Double standards, people. They also get strange looking. I was a pretty cute kid and I'm an alright looking adult but those middle years... man. They were rough.
I'm not so afraid of having a baby who can't communicate or ambulate on their own. I'm afraid of the later years when they learn how to walk and talk. That just means they can willfully be lazy and talk back to you when you tell them to do something. Kids are cute until they get independent and all "I can do it myself!" Fine then, jerk! Do it yourself! See if I care! Oh, you broke everything in the kitchen because you tried to get your own cereal? That's too bad. And now you need me to clean it up for you? What happened to doing things by yourself? See, I'd be a terrible mother.
Also, nothing is yours ever again. It's theirs and they'll destroy it. I know this because I ate and/or ruined everything my parents worked hard for. The car, the new garage, the computer, the carpet, mom's new anything. All delicious leftover food from a restaurant was automatically mine regardless of there being a name clearly written on it with a Sharpie. I laughed in the face of permanent markers. I still do. I'm such a jerk, guys.
All in all, I really like my free time and my semi-disposable income. I also like having marbles and other small items that children could choke on out in the open and frayed electrical wires sticking out of various sockets in my room. It's who I am, I don't want to have to change for a baby who contributes nothing to society.
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for my friends who have kids. Good for you guys - procreate and be merry! I just don't foresee myself doing that in the near future. I can't imagine having a kid and also fulfilling everything I've been wanting to do when it comes to comedy and sleeping. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to have a child right now.
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