Blomentine's Day? This is not the time of year to shove my name into things. I need it to be Septemberg or Blomorial Day or Arberg Day or Laberg Day. It doesn't work if I say it's Blomuary. March is even worse. Blarch? I guess that works.
So it's Valentine's Day time and I have no Valentine which is perfectly ok with me. We shouldn't be celebrating today, anyway. Lot's of terrible things happened on Valentine's Day throughout the years.
The real James Bond died in 1989. He was an ornithologist so he knew a lot about orns which means "birds" in science. He specifically studied birds of the Caribbean which means he probably knew Tucan Sam personally. I'm just guessing. Anyway, he was an expert with flamingos and cockatiels and these things:
Turns out, the real James Bond was just as awesome as the fake James bond. Minus the explosions and hot ladies and weapons. When asked how he felt about Ian Fleming using his name in his books, James Bond, ornothologist, replied, "I'm fine with it. A bit shaken. But not stirred." What a cool guy. (He didn't really say that.)
If that's not sad enough, listen to this. Remember Dolly the cloned sheep? She died 10 years ago today and not one person said a damn thing about it. Instead, everyone was all, "I love you, let me kiss you, let me hold your hand and meet your parents blablala." Dolly deserved more than that, damnit! She didn't have parents and she was named after Dolly Parton's bazongas. Come on. Seriously. Her original cell was taken from the boob of another sheep and the scientists, who were clearly dudes, said "Dolly is derived from a mammary gland cell and we couldn't think of a more impressive pair of glands than Dolly Parton's." They then proceeded to fart, scratch their balls, and gawk at sheep tits. They are from Scotland, after all.
Not only did Dolly and James Bond die, some really obnoxious people were born.
Florence Henderson, for example. Yeah, a lot of dudes have weird Mrs. Brady fetishes because she seems so wholesome and sweet. WRONG. She cheated on her husband of 29 years with the mayor of New York, John Lindsay, and told everyone that he gave her pubic lice. A.) What kind of mega-star screws around with another super well-known public figure? Oh right. All of them. And B.) Who publicly announces that they got public lice? Regardless of who it came from, that's some wicked TMI. Especially coming from Carol Brady. Gross.
In an effort to prove to you that I'm not bitter about being single on Valentine's Day, I'll give you at least one good thing that happened in history on February 14. Rob Thomas, lead singer of Matchbox 20 (twenty), was born in 1971. As some of you may know, I have a thing for the 90s. I don't really know what it is but the 90s to me are the like 60s to people who were in their 20s in the 90s. I just wish I had been there as an adult instead of as a pre-teen. Rob Thomas and Matchbox 20 were a fairly big part of the 90s, the mid-90s anyway. You can't tell me you don't remember songs like "3 A.M.", "Back 2 Good" (yes, it's a 2 instead of "to" - no one is perfect, ok?) and especially "If You're Gone". I would wake up to these songs on ZONE 105 in junior high and it would totally make my day. That says a lot. Junior high sucked which is an entire blog on it's own. I'll save that for next time. Anyway, I've always thought Rob Thomas was a major dreamboat. He was so brooding and depressed in his music videos. He's one of those guys who's way hotter when he's scowling than when he's smiling. Proof:
Actually, if you think about it, he looks a lot like Dave Coulier. Also, he's a big fat pothead. Which is cool, I guess.
There you have it. Just some of the terrible things that have happened on Valentine's Days past and one awesome thing. Tune in next Valentine's Day when we'll be discussing the the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre of 1929 where 7 people died, the Stardust Disaster which killed 48 people in Dublin, Ireland in 1981, and Indian Airlines flight 605 where 92 people perished in a fiery plane crash in 1990.
Until then, Happy Valentine's day from me, Rob Thomas, and Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20's giant doob.
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