I never used to like Halloween. It freaked me out. But now I have a hobby that is pretty specific to Halloween. GORY WOUNDS!!!
I have no idea what would cause that type of injury but it looks fairly badass. I just discovered the beauty of liquid latex. Thank God I'm not allergic to it. Otherwise my skin would look like that... but without makeup. I used to use rubber cement as my shredded skin but it turns out that it's not advisable to slather on your skin and leave on for hours at a time.
Another reason I like Halloween is because of all the amazing horror movie titles out there. Let's take a look at my top 5 favorites, shall we?
#5. Surf Nazis Must Die - 1987
"When the grandson of a gun wielding woman is murdered by neo-nazi surf punks in the post-apocalyptic future, this grandma hunts them down for some bloodthirsty revenge."
I have yet to watch this cinematic masterpiece. I'm not sure if I want to spend 83 minutes of my life on it, to be honest. Roger Ebert walked out after a half hour. There's a hardcore German punk band that stole the name and uses clips of dialogue in their tracks. Is that supposed to be ironic, German band? It might be too soon to use Nazi references ironically in Germany but what do I know?
#4. Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus - 2010
"A gigantic, immensely powerful shark does battle with a fierce primordial crocodile from Africa."
Again, I haven't seen this one. I feel like it'd be a big commitment to get into this franchise. This is a sequel to "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" and the prequel to "Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark" (yeah, I don't know what a "Mecha" is either). There's also a spin-off called "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid". It strikes me as a cheap knockoff of the Godzilla movies except for one thing.... Jaleel White is in it! Steve Urkel battles a giant shark and/or crocosaurus. They really stepped it up from the first movie starring Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas, though. And they clearly spent all of their budget on casting Urkel.
#3. Thankskilling - 2009
The story goes that a Native American guy named "Feather Cloud" was ostracized by a pilgrim which made he "necromance" a turkey and the turkey will stop at nothing to kill kill kill!! Can you imagine being a college student on Thanksgiving break and being attacked by a cursed turkey?!?! Neither can I. But you can live vicariously through the obviously-not-college-aged kids who come home for vacation. There's the gross fat guy who kind of looks like Chris Farley and and Rosie O'Donnell had a baby, the "Native American" kid who's just a white guy with a bad spray-on tan, and the nerd who wears glasses because... well, because he's a nerd. I give this movie kudos for a few reasons. A.) They only had a $3,500 budget and they managed to get a puppet that looks like SkekZok from the Dark Crystal and a sweet scene where the "Turkie" blows a dude's head off with a shotgun. And B.) The 2 girls in the movie aren't sexy at all. I mean, at all. That's a first for a cheap horror flick. This movie relies solely on bad jokes and lighting tricks using fire. (*CORRECTION* Apparently the movie opens with a pilgrim lady with huge tatas running away from the turkey through the forest. How disappointing.) Good news! There's a sequel and a threequel!! And their budget shot up to $100,000 thanks to a kickstarter. These kids are real go-getters. I like that.
#2.5 Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead - 2006
This one is #2.5 because it's sort of similar to Thankskilling. A fried chicken joint is built on a Native American burial ground AND a toxic waste site. The spirits of the Native Americans inhabit the carcasses of the chickens and CHAOS ENSUES. Bonus: It's a musical. It's a movie that's supposed to be a criticism of the fast food industry with character names like Arbie, Wendy, Mick, Carl, Jr., Paco Bell, Colonel Sanders, Denny and Jared. Clever. Very clever. It was made by Troma Entertainment, the same company that brought us Surf Nazis Must Die along with other classics like Killer Condom and Rabid Grannies. What a treasure.
#.2 Blood & Donuts - 1995
"A vampire falls in love with a girl who works in a donut shop." That's the synopsis of this movie on IMDB. It sounds like the vampire version of Untamed Heart. Or the red-headed stepchild of the Twilight series. Best part about this movie? David Cronenberg makes a cameo as a crime boss.
#1.5 Bong of the Dead -
A pair of stoners decides to benefit from the zombie apocalypse by using the zombies as fertilizer for their weed garden. Brilliant! The tagline is priceless. This is actually a fairly well done movie for having such a low budget and a stupid premise. I don't plan on watching the full thing but the trailer was entertaining enough. Lots of gore and not that many weed jokes. Surprising! On second thought, I might consider watching this if I'm awake at 3am and can't fall asleep. Seems like a good idea.
#1. Retardead - 2008
This is my number one pick for so many reasons. An evil doctor comes up with an intelligence serum and distributes it among developmentally delayed kids at a Special Education institution. As you may have noticed, this film has been "officially selected" for various film festivals that we've never heard of including the Bram Stoker Film Festival, the Texas Frightmare Film Festival, and Dead Channel's Film Festival. The Texas Frightmare Film Festival is obviously just a chili cook-off with movies. Texas is all about chili cook-offs, right?
The tagline of this move is, "They're not so special anymore". Fabulous. For someone who doesn't really care about political correct-ness, this is kind of hilarious to me. Why didn't someone think of this pun earlier?! Also, this comes from the creators of "Monsturd." A movie about a serial killer, living in the sewer, who mutates into a monster made of human waste. Monsturd is the prequel to Retardead. The evil doctor who created the intelligence serum also made the "poopman" and now he's back for more shenanigans. To be honest, I could only watch the trailer for it. And not even the full trailer. It looks like it was filmed in someone's garage and, ironically, it insulted my intelligence. It's terrible. Don't watch it.
It blows my mind that people have spent time and energy on this crap. Kudos to them for having a dream and realizing it, though. And all of these are on Netflix! I would consider that a success. Ok, back to eating candy.
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